[00:00:11] Speaker A: Welcome to Guided Legacy. I'm Dionne Duckett, and today I want to talk about something that affects the emotional health, the stability, and the future of a family in ways many people underestimate. Communication inside a marriage.
Long before families face legal decisions, caregiving decisions, or financial planning conversations, they are living with the tone of the relationship at home. And when that communication becomes reactive, defensive, or deeply hurtful, the damage can spread far beyond two people.
Joining me today is Dr. Aaron Turpo, founder of Rescue Our Marriage, where he helps couples strengthen connection, rebuild trust, and find a path forward when a relationship feels strained, disconnected, or in crisis. Erin, I'm so glad you're here.
[00:01:07] Speaker B: I'm glad to be here. Deanna. Thank you for having me.
[00:01:10] Speaker A: Okay, so I want to begin with the way couples speak to each other, because communication is often where the pain shows up first.
I want this part of the conversation to help viewers recognize the patterns that slowly turn everyday frustration into distance, resentment, and emotional exhaustion. So I've got a few questions for you.
[00:01:33] Speaker B: Okay, Aaron.
[00:01:34] Speaker A: So why do so many couples believe they are communicating when in reality, they are just reacting to each other?
[00:01:44] Speaker B: Well, you know, unfortunately, a lot of people think that they just synonymize communicating, communicating with talking.
So I have a lot of couples that come to me. They. They say, well, I'm a great communicator. We have no problems communicating.
And basically, they're just saying that they talk.
Some people, they're. You know, they're overconfident. They.
They're overconfident about their ability to communicate effectively. They think just because they talk a lot, it makes them a good communicator.
No, it just means you talk a lot.
[00:02:16] Speaker A: Yeah, I know.
[00:02:17] Speaker B: It doesn't mean you do so. And if you don't have the skills, what you'll find is people will tend. Especially when we talk about grievances and concerns, people will tend to blow up. They'll withdraw, they'll shut down, or all three.
And if that continues over time, eventually people get to the point they're like, man, you know what?
We should probably talk about this. But if we do, we probably won't be arguing, trying to do all that arguing.
I'm just gonna keep the peace. I'm not gonna say Jack.
And then you do it again. You do it again, do it again. But it starts happening. You get that slow, creeping death to your relationship. You start drifting further and further apart. You start feeling more like housemates than you do lovers and companions.
Sleeping in separate bedrooms, not coming to bed, not being physically intimate, just talking about logistical matters, who paid what bill, who picked up what, and then do the thing I call hiding behind the kids. Everything is all about the kids, the kids, kids, the kids. And so it just, it's just a continual disconnect. And a lot of it is at root because they didn't know how to communicate effectively about their concerns.
[00:03:26] Speaker A: Okay. I've seen that happen in friendships too. So.
[00:03:29] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah.
[00:03:31] Speaker A: So what are, what are the most common habits that turn small misunderstandings into recurring conflict?
[00:03:39] Speaker B: Yeah. So.
Well, when you're communicating, people will tend to interrupt each other. That's a habit. That's a bad habit. And when that happens, you know, they're over talk each other. And everybody's trying to be heard, but nobody's trying to listen.
Everybody's trying to be understood, but nobody's trying to understand.
So if everybody's trying to be heard, but nobody's trying to listen. If everybody's trying to be understood, but nobody's trying to understand, then in the end, who feels heard and understood? No one. And so that's a big one. A lot of times is that everybody's just interrupting. Everybody's trying to be heard, but nobody's trying to listen. And so people have a deep need to feel heard and understood. But usually we don't do that. We're so busy trying to get our point across. We're listening to them. We're listening to them.
But. And as I'm listening to them, I'm thinking about, okay, when it's my turn to talk, I'm gonna get you on that. I'll get you on this.
Okay. All right, it's my turn to talk. Okay, well, first of all, boom. Second of all, boom. Tertiary boom. What you got for that? You ain't got nothing for that. You know, drop the mic, you can't aim. I got superior wit and logic. You can't hang with that. I win, I win.
You know, it feels good to win.
[00:04:52] Speaker A: Right.
[00:04:53] Speaker B: The problem is though, it feels bad to lose though too. That's the problem.
So interrupting, you know, just trying to put in your viewpoint at the major basis of it is just people. There's two reasons that they'll try to. What they're doing is they're listening to win versus listening to understand.
And so these are things that really get in the way. So that's what makes people defensive.
People hear concerns, they minimize a person's concerns. So these are some of the things that happen that make communication non productive.
[00:05:28] Speaker A: Okay. Okay. And it's funny because I was in a conversation Yesterday, I'm not married, but with my sister. And we were doing some of those things that you're talking about.
[00:05:43] Speaker B: Not just love, relationships, any relationships. These things go on.
[00:05:46] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. So how can a couple start expressing needs without blame, accusation, or emotional shutdown?
[00:05:57] Speaker B: Yeah. So one of the techniques that I train people on is just speaking from yourself, from your perspective, from your feelings, versus trying to do things like tell the other person what they should do, what's right, what's wrong. Don't try to absolutize your morality as the universal morality. Just say things like, hey, I did not like that, and it made me feel this way when this happened. I would prefer if you do this, and then I would feel better.
Versus that was wrong for you to do that. You shouldn't have done that. Everybody knows, you know, you're a jerk, you're a narcissist. You're just.
When you start off that way and expressing your feelings, you've already. You've already lost. You know, why did you do that? Oh, you know, these things will make a person defensive. And you're like, how in the world do we get to this place?
A lot of times it's how you approach people. And if you just approach people and express what's going on inside of you versus what's going on inside of them, then that can be a better way to approach people, to make conversations much better.
[00:07:04] Speaker A: Okay, I love this because I can see things that I do wrong.
What does healthy listening really look like when both people feel hurt or misunderstand? Understood.
[00:07:20] Speaker B: Yeah. Well, part of that is what I was saying before. As you're listening, rather than, okay, thinking about how you're going to punch a hole in their argument, think about how I need to really understand what this person is saying so I can repeat back to them my understanding what of what they're saying.
And if I can repeat back my understanding of what you're saying, then that means I was really listening.
And so as you're listening to someone, if you want to be a good listener, just really listen to what the person is trying to say, what they're thinking and what they're feeling, and we focus on that, and we focus on trying to understand versus trying to win. You will become a much better listener on autopilot. Just change that. Flip a little switch in your head. Say, I'm on this conversation. I'm not going to try to win in this conversation. My prime directive is to try to understand the other person.
If I can do that, then I'll Become a much better listener.
[00:08:19] Speaker A: Okay. Okay. And so my next question is then, how can better communication become a form of protection, not just for the marriage, but for the whole family system?
[00:08:32] Speaker B: Oh, yes. I mean, when you improve your communication, you're cutting down on so many different arguments, unnecessary arguments, people blowing up, shutting down, all these things that model unhealthy relationships to you, up to your. Your spouse, to your kids.
And so by adopting better communication skills, you're protecting them a lot of. From a lot of emotional angst and tension because your relationship is better. You're also modeling positive behavior, and you practice these types of communication skills with your kids, and they'll kind of, on a subconscious level, they'll kind of adopt those same behaviors as well. And so it creates a legacy as far as them moving forward into their families and practicing better communication as well.
[00:09:19] Speaker A: Okay, I like that. I like that. So we're going to break.
So what I love about this is the reminder that communication is never just about words. It shapes safety, trust, and connection. And when we learn to communicate in a healthier way, we begin changing the emotional climate. Emotional climate. In that. In the emotional climate in which the family lives.
So I'm learning from this conversation already, and I can see with my nieces and nephews how you're right. They pick it up and communicate like us.
Welcome back to Guided Legacy. Stay connected to this show and every NOW Media TV favorite, live or on demand, anytime you like. Download the free Now Media TV app on Roku or iOS and unlock non stop bilingual programming in English and Spanish on the move. Catch the podcast
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Welcome back to Guided Legacy. I'm here with Dr. Aaron Turpo, and we're continuing a conversation that so many couples need, but not enough people know how to begin.
In this next part of the show, I want to focus on trust. Because once trust is damaged by betrayal, distance, repeated disappointment, or emotional neglect, couples can start feeling like they are standing in the same room, but living in two completely different realities.
I want to explore what trust really is, how it breaks down, and what it actually takes to restore it.
I also want to make space for the emotional truth that rebuilding trust is not just about saying the right thing. It is about creating enough honesty and consistency for healing to become believable again.
All right, Aaron.
So is trust usually broken by one major event, or does it more Often erode through smaller patterns over time. What do you think?
[00:12:07] Speaker B: Actually, I've seen both.
You know, I've seen people erode their trust over time with, you know, being dishonest, not being dependable, letting down someone over and over again. And when these things happen, people feel like, you know what, over the years, it's becoming apparent to me that I can't depend on you. And if a person can't depend on you, that means they really can't feel like they can trust you.
So we need to work on being consistent and dependable, and that will increase our trustworthiness with people. The other thing, too, is if they catch you lying and being deceptive over and over again through the years, eventually it tells them, well, you know, can we really trust this person?
So that's another way it can gradually tear down.
And then on the other side, it can be a major event.
Discovering someone has been very deceptive to you, discovering there's been infidelity, that you've had an affair on them, that those are just single events that just can really do a knockout punch to the relationship.
So it happens both ways.
Not just either or, but sometimes both.
[00:13:21] Speaker A: And, okay, so then what do couples often misunderstand about the work that's required to rebuild trust?
[00:13:33] Speaker B: Well, usually the offender usually misunderstands that it requires a lot of time to rebuild trust. And I don't, I don't know if they so much misunderstand it or they don't want to believe it.
They, they. They minimize the amount of, you know, such infidelity. They'll say, okay, that was in the past. I'm not even doing that anymore. Yeah, you just discovered it. But that's the past. We need to move on from that. Ain't you a Christian?
You supposed to forget seven times seven, you know, you know, come on now. How you gonna move toward the future if you still hung up in the past?
And you need to get over that.
And when you're trying to rush people into trusting you again, you, You. You're very much underestimating. You minimize the amount of hurt that you cause.
And so it takes. The trust formula is time plus positive consistent behavior.
You need both variables. You can have a lot of time go by, but no change in behavior.
And the trust is not going to be built.
Okay, you can do a lot of positive behaviors, but not, not enough time go by. Trust still won't be good to go. You need both variables in those formulas, in that formula to make trust, to get it healed and get it back Strong again in your relationship.
[00:14:52] Speaker A: Okay, okay.
So how. What was that formula again?
[00:14:58] Speaker B: Positive consistent behavior plus time equals trust.
[00:15:02] Speaker A: Okay. Okay.
So how would a person begin helping someone heal when they feel embarrassed, angry, or emotionally unsafe?
[00:15:13] Speaker B: Well, one thing they can do is to communicate effectively.
And now what do I mean by that? When the person is complaining, if they're critiquing, if they say, oh, you did this to me. I can't believe you hurt me, rather than having a defensive response or, what, you did this to me to response or trying to convince them that they need to. Come on, get over it all. Get over that. Now, the best thing you can do is have a response full of empathy, joining into that person's perspective, communicating that you understand how they feel. Not. Not trying to convince them that it wasn't so bad or minimize it or anything like that, but just really being able to report back to them that you really understand the hurt. And by communicating that you understand that hurt, it can help the person feel seen and heard, which will facilitate and activate their healing in a much faster rate.
So that's one thing that you can do. The other thing you can do is just complete turnaround. Just be honest.
Be honest. Even if the person doesn't like what you have to say, be honest. Sometimes people aren't honest because they don't want to hurt the person's feelings. But if you're being dishonest and when I find out the truth, then it makes me not trust you anymore. So you have to really go towards honesty if you're trying to rebuild trust.
And the other thing is loving behavior and transparency. All these things help with building trust.
[00:16:44] Speaker A: All right, Erin, so my next question is, what role do honesty, consistency, and accountability play in genuine repair?
[00:16:58] Speaker B: Yes, yes. These things are really important to repair the trust.
Honesty. Even if you're afraid that the honesty might hurt the other person if they knew the truth, we still need honesty. People prefer you being honest versus you trying to not hurt their feelings.
And you need to own up, be accountable, own up and say that I did that versus trying to flip it back on the other person and to justify what you did to make it seem like it wasn't so bad or blame it on them that you behave that way, these things will not rebuild trust. And then the consistency of your positive behavior, putting those deposits into the emotional bank account of your partner, that consistency over time, again, positive, consistent behavior plus time will help build up the trust.
[00:17:48] Speaker A: Okay, and so then another question I have is, how can a couple tell the difference between true healing And a temporary pause in the crisis.
[00:18:01] Speaker B: True healing. And a temporary. What was that cause?
A temporary cause in the crisis. Okay, yeah, well, the rubber meets the road when it comes to change behavior. That's what the rubber meets, no matter what anybody says or anything like that. And so true healing comes from that building that trust, making a lot of deposits, communicating effectively, you know, positive, loving behavior over a consistent period of time, honesty, transparency. The longer this happens, then the more the trust builds and the person is going to say, you know what? I guess we have made a true turnaround. Human beings don't really turn around like I saw the light and I'm a completely changed, different person. It tends to be a gradual thing now, being a pause now. Human beings don't grow like this.
They tend to grow like this.
Okay, so they may backside a little bit, but you want more upslides than you do backslides because that's natural how people behave. And so just have some grace that they might muck up every once in a while. But as long as they're making more progress than backsliding too much or recommitting the same offense, if it's a major offense, then we can be hopeful that this may actually may be a permanent change.
[00:19:30] Speaker A: Okay. And I know you've worked with many couples.
You know, how big a challenge is it for most people
[00:19:43] Speaker B: rebuilding trust?
[00:19:44] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:19:46] Speaker B: Yeah, it's a big challenge.
Infidelity is one of the biggest ones that people have a hard time building trust around.
And it depends on the personality.
For some people it's easier than others. For others it's no coming back from.
Depends a lot of times on the personality.
[00:20:04] Speaker A: Okay, so you're sharing a lot of good information here. If listeners or viewers want to get in contact with you, how would they do that?
[00:20:14] Speaker B: Sure. So you would go to my website, which is Dr. Turpo.com and that's D R T U R p e a u.com Dr. Turpo.com or they can call me directly at my telephone number, which is 678-522-6548.
[00:20:31] Speaker A: All right, Dr. Aaron Turpo.
So trust is one of those things. Families often realize the value only after it has been shaken.
But what this conversation shows us is that trust can be rebuilt with intention, truth and steady action. And when that happens, hope starts to feel real again. I'm going to ask one more time. How can our viewers and listeners reach you?
[00:20:58] Speaker B: Sure. You can go to my website, which is drterpo.com that's-r t u r p e a u.com or they can reach out directly by calling me, which is 678-522-6548.
Foreign
[00:21:36] Speaker A: we're back on Guided Legacy, and I'm talking with Dr. Aaron Turpo about the deeper patterns that shape whether our marriage weakens under pressure or grows stronger through it. I want to turn now to mindset, because many couples are not only struggling with behaviors, they are also struggling with the beliefs, assumptions, and expectations, expectations that they carry into the relationship every day.
I want this segment to explore the internal framework that guides a marriage. When a couple has the wrong mindset, they can misread, conflict, avoid responsibility, and slowly drift away from the discipline required to protect the relationship. When that mindset shifts, the relationship often shifts. Shifts with it. When I'm going to do that again.
When that mindset shifts, the relationship often shifts with it.
So, Dr. Aaron, what do you mean by a marriage mindset, and why is it so foundational to the health of a relationship?
[00:22:47] Speaker B: Yes, I think a marriage mindset is essential because a lot of times we grew up seeing maybe unhealthy marriages, and that becomes of our minds. That becomes a part of our mindset about marriage.
Also, we may see things through the media which may not be conducive to having a healthy marriage mindset. If we want a healthy marriage, then there's certain beliefs, positions, I think mental positions that are much more conducive to having healthy marriage than others.
[00:23:21] Speaker A: Okay. All right. So how does the way a person thinks about marriage shape the way they respond to conflict, closeness, and responsibility?
[00:23:32] Speaker B: Yeah. So, you know, we can think different. I like to use the.
The analogy. A lot of times people think that when they get married, they can just keep on acting the way they've been happy the way they've been acting. We just went to the courthouse or to the church and we said some vows, and we just keep them.
But.
And then they want to keep behaving the way that they've been behaving.
I use the analogy. If so, Dion, let's say that you were my swimming coach and you told me to swim down from one end of the pool to the other.
And I'm like, okay, coach, I'm like.
And I start swimming. But I got one hand in the water, but the other hand I got up on the wall.
You know, what would you say to me as my coach?
[00:24:21] Speaker A: I would tell you to use both hands.
Stop being lazy.
[00:24:28] Speaker B: Yeah, it's the same thing being in marriage. You got to be all in. You can't have one hand in the marriage and the other hand trying to be single.
Are you going to be committed? Are you going to do this? Then we need to be all in pooping it off the pot. Be married or don't be married. Get in the pool or out of the pool, because if you don't, you won't go across the water or the land very well.
So you got to say, I'm all in on this thing. I'm gonna stop trying to do this single. The things that single people do. I'm gonna, you know, start thinking it's not just about me anymore. It's us thinking more of a team mindset and having more of that mindset.
And there's other things in mindsets, I think, having a better mindset, such as that I'm responsible for helping my partner to be happy. You know, one of the things that gets to me is that there's a very popular message now in our culture and my colleagues and YouTubers and celebrities and everybody saying, you know, I am not responsible for your happiness.
That's a very popular one.
And to me, that is not healthy. For a healthy marriage mindset, we need to take some agency for.
For our spouse's happiness as well. In this life, in our pursuit of happiness, we need to take some responsibility for our spouse's happiness as well.
I'm responsible for my wife's happiness.
She's responsible for mine.
Now, I'm primarily responsible for my happiness. She's primarily responsible for her happiness. But if we're not going to take some responsibility for each other's happiness, then what the hell are we doing?
Get the hell out the way.
I can do this by myself if you're not going to contribute and take some agency for my happiness as well. And so I think that's a healthier mindset. Well, versus I'm not responsible for your happiness. You do you. I do me. We'll just. We got a license saying that we can live in the same house and what have you.
We need to look at our mindset about what we're trying to achieve here.
Okay.
[00:26:29] Speaker A: All right. That's a good one.
So how does the way a person thinks about or how does the way a person thinks about marriage shape the way they respond to conflict, closeness, and responsibility?
[00:26:45] Speaker B: Yeah, I think that gets into what we were talking about before. If I think that I'm not responsible for your happiness, we just went to the church or whatever in the courthouse and got paper sign. I'm gonna keep my life separate. You keep your life separate Then I'm not gonna be that invested. I think I can still do what I want to do, hang out when I want to hang out, stay out as late as I want, and I have to call you because I'm a grown ass man or whatever. I'm grown ass woman. Having these types of mindsets will not be conducive to us feeling that the other person is really committed to us. Because if we can feel that the other person is really committed to us and they're responsible to us, then it helps to build my trust in you. If I know that you have my welfare, then it helps as a prime director for you. Then it helps for me to trust you. But if you're just going to keep it moving and look out for your self interest first, and then my secondary, secondary if you get to me, then that doesn't do much to create much trust and for me to depend on you.
[00:27:51] Speaker A: Okay, and so then my next question is, is why is prioritizing the marriage so difficult once it becomes busy, stressful or overwhelming?
[00:28:03] Speaker B: Ah, yes, this is, you know, we get caught up in the rat race. You know, we get caught up in the rat race, you know, especially when the kids come. That can really be overwhelming.
And it's hard because we're really trying to help these kids along and we're focusing on the kids. And a lot of times we forget that the other person, our spouse, that we, our partner, that we try to do this with, they're just a grown kid with frustrated needs that aren't being met.
And so we have to make sure that we take time out for them as well. Just as much as I love my kids, I need to be loving my spouse as well.
So don't neglect your spouse when the kids come along.
And the other thing too, mindset wise and by priorities, is to prioritize.
Another thing I see that's happening is even though out of our mouths we say that our marriage and family is most important to us, a lot of times that doesn't align with our behavior. Our behavior will actually indicate that our career and our jobs are more important to us and making money is more important to us. But that doesn't sound well, so we stay all family and all that stuff. But in reality, the way your behavior demonstrates that is not the case. And so I think it's more helpful to promote family as a high priority versus career and making money.
And I think if we did that, it would actually start showing up in our behavior when we try to establish marriages and family.
[00:29:33] Speaker A: Okay, okay. And so then what beliefs strengthen a marriage and. And what beliefs quietly weaken it over time?
[00:29:42] Speaker B: So belief that we're in this together and strengthen it.
Belief that marriage and family is a top priority, the most important thing.
Belief that we're in this together.
Belief that I'm responsible. I need to take responsibility for your happiness.
And these. These are beliefs that I was saying that will help promote a healthy marriage being on the same page as far as the goals that we're trying to achieve.
And the opposite would be the unhealthy beliefs. Believing that I'm not responsible for your happiness. That's up to you.
Over some of the other ones, I was saying, you know, we're in this, that we're not in this together. I'm just going to do me. You. Do you.
These things are not healthy.
They're not healthy mindsets for marriage.
[00:30:36] Speaker A: Okay. Okay. And then how does a shift in mindset help couples build something more durable than temporary peace?
[00:30:47] Speaker B: Yeah, See, temporary peace, that desire for temporary peace creates a lot of problems in relationships. Because your desire for temporary peace just means that you're just going to do what you can to not argue.
You just say, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and you'll shut that. You'll shut the conversation down, you know, and you'll have. Or you'll have a lot of these unmet needs and critiques and things, concerns that you don't express because you don't want to argue.
And so you're just keeping a piece. I just want to keep the peace.
And you won't say anything. You won't argue anything like that. But over time, you'll build resentment. These won't be met, and people just quietly suffering. And then you end up two people. One person stays in this bedroom, the other person stays in this bedroom on this level.
And so if we can shift. Get out of that. Stop worrying about temporary peace, all right? You need to worry about fulfillment.
Okay? If you want. If you want peace in your life, then go be a monk or nun or something like that. Anytime you're in relationship with people, you're not gonna have. There's gonna be times you're not gonna have peace because you got to respond to other people in your life.
So stop worrying about having temporary peace and really working on having fulfillment in your relationships with each other and get in there. I would rather risk arguing than just quietly suffering and with that resentment, building that peace, that slow disconnect.
[00:32:15] Speaker A: Okay. All right. And I have a question. So we talk about how the children learn their concepts of family between, you know, by watching what happens with the parents.
And so the, like, I never saw my parents fight.
And what my mom said was that they didn't fight in front of the children. They got in a car and, you know, took a ride to discuss things out. Is that, you know, maybe it's not good or bad, you know, and so, but I'm curious.
[00:33:02] Speaker B: Yeah.
Yeah. There are different thoughts on that and I haven't really made a verdict verdict as far as which one is, which one is true. The predominant thought is don't argue in front of the kids. You don't want them seeing that.
And, and there's, and there's positives about that. They did not see that things and they worried and got tension about their folks arguing. But the other thought would be, well, if you don't see parents argue, you can't see how they get out of that. You can't see how they resolve things and it keeps them hiding. You're not showing them reality about how things go. So there's pros and cons for both as far as, because if you don't ever see them argue, that can set up unrealistic expectations. But if you can see them argue in a healthy way or resolve conflicts in a healthy way, that would actually be a good thing.
[00:33:56] Speaker A: Okay. Okay.
And so.
Well, this part of the conversation is so important because it reminds us that healthy relationships do not happen by accident.
They require intention, humility, and a willingness to think differently if we want to live differently.
[00:34:23] Speaker B: Foreign.
[00:34:35] Speaker A: Welcome back to Guided Legacy. Stay connected to this show and every NOW Media TV favorite live or on demand, anytime you like.
Download the free Now Media TV app on on Roku or iOS and unlock non stop bilingual programming in English and Spanish on the move. Catch the podcast version at www.nowmedia.tv.
from business and news to lifestyle, culture and beyond, now Media TV is streaming around the clock. Ready whenever you.
Welcome back to Guided Legacy.
I'm joined by Dr. Erin Turpo. And as we close today's conversation, I want to talk about what so many couples are quietly asking behind closed doors.
Can this relationship really be saved?
When a marriage feels fragile, overwhelmed, or deeply wounded, people often do not need sleep.
They need a path. They need clarity. They need to know what rescue actually looks like in real life.
I want to end with hope, but with honest hope. Not denial, not performance, not pretending everything is fine. I want to explore what real repair demands, why structure matters, and how couples can begin moving from emotional chaos toward meaningful restoration.
So, Dr. Aaron, when couples say we're in trouble.
What does true rescue actually begin to require,
[00:36:22] Speaker B: the main thing? Well, there's a couple of things.
It's, first of all, be willingness to ask for help.
I can't tell you how many times I've had people say, well, we were going to do this years ago, but the other person didn't want to do it, or we had to save up our money. And it just kept. They kept kicking the can down the road.
And the earlier you can get help with your relationship through coaching, counseling, what have you, the better. Because if you keep pushing it down the road, then you got more hurts and things that add up over time, which is. And a lot of water goes under the bridge and you're like, man, that was so hurtful. And then it's harder to kind of heal and overcome from a lot of the damage that's been done. So the sooner that you can get that help, the better. And having both people willing to come in and be humble enough to come in and be open, you know, openness to thinking differently and openness to behaving differently. Because if you hold on to some of the same thoughts and behaviors that you've had in the past, what are you going to get?
Same results.
So you have to be open. I think openness is the main thing, the main ingredient to healing your relationship.
And so we can come. It's not. It's not your intelligence level.
It's not the amount of introspection you do or how much individual therapy that you've had.
It's just how open. It's not how, like I said, intelligent, how rich, what your standing is, your education is. Are you open to doing things differently?
[00:37:53] Speaker A: Okay.
All right. So what is the difference between protecting appearances and truly rebuilding the relationship?
[00:38:02] Speaker B: Yeah.
Well, if your image and appearances, if that's what's important to you, then you'll play a game. I mean, you go out to the galas and blacktop functions and parties and church and everything, and you'll play a game like you've always done. And then by the time you get home, everybody goes to their separate floors or room in their house.
To me, you just kind of resign that there's nothing that will ever save this marriage.
We're just going to stay out of each other's way, and that's a secret to our marriage. Longevity is staying at each other's way. And you stand up in church. Jones is married 45 years.
We still together.
And.
But you would not want to be in that house and see the coldness, the Tension and the separate lives that they're living.
To me, to me, that's a failed marriage.
Longevity is not the only metric of a successful marriage.
Just because it lasts long legally, but it can. That's not a successful marriage. That's not a happy. To me, having a happy marriage is much more of a. A better metric to see if it's a successful match.
And so if you really want to be happy the rest of your years together, then do something about it. I tell. I tell people, look, make your marriage better or get a divorce.
Why do you want to stay married? Just for the sake of being married.
[00:39:37] Speaker A: What about the sake of the children?
[00:39:40] Speaker B: Yeah. Now the sake of the children. That should give you some extra motivation to work through it.
I do not believe that you suffer just for the sake of the children. It's the same thing that gives you extra motivation. We need to improve this marriage so that we can be here for the kids. We need to improve the marriage to show them a better example of what a healthy marriage would look like.
Because if we don't, they're. They're going to grow up seeing an unhealthy marriage. And when they marry someone, then that the poor soul, whoever gets married to your child would be like, why are you doing this way? Why are you acting this way? And the kids like, well, that's normal. That's how it's supposed to be in marriage.
And so you're modeling unhealthy behavior for those kids and you're telling them to suffer. You're telling them to suffer with misery. And that's what marriage is.
That's. To me, that's not ideal to teach your kids. That was what you do is you suffer through marriage.
That is not a virtue, suffering in an unhealthy relationship like that.
[00:40:47] Speaker A: So, Erin, why is a structured process often more effective than simply hoping things will improve on their own?
[00:40:57] Speaker B: Yeah, hoping that things will improve on their own. That's just like.
I'm just.
[00:41:06] Speaker A: You know what?
[00:41:07] Speaker B: I don't know what. I tried this, I tried that. I don't tried everything, which is not true. I'm just going to hope and pray that it's gonna get better and we'll see what happens.
No, that is not gonna improve things. Okay, let's just be straight.
Only thing that's going to make something improve is to do different actions and behaviors, just which is informed by different beliefs and thoughts. And if you don't get structured help through counseling and coaching to teach you otherwise, then things are not going to change.
You have to do things differently.
You know, hands that help are far better than lips that lips that pray. Again, hands that help are far better than lips that pray. Okay, get you some help, do some things better, differently, more effective. And if you think you've done everything, guess what? You haven't. Now it's time to reach out for professional help and get some more information about how you can do things differently. And then once you've exhausted and done this over and over again, then maybe you say, okay, well, maybe we can look at getting a divorce or something like that. But if you keep practicing the same thing over and over again in an ineffective way, and you say, I don't tried everything. Well, maybe you haven't tried everything.
You know, a band teacher in high school, he used to say, does, does practice make perfect? Everybody says yes. And he says, no, correct, practice makes perfect. So just because you worked hard, just because you worked hard at your marriage, but you just kept doing the wrong stuff over and over again, doesn't mean it's going to get better.
And then a lot of times people say, oh, well, we just going, I'm just gonna wait on God. I'm gonna just see what happens. I'm just gonna, you know, see, you know, just hope that it gets better.
To me, that's the person who's giving up and they feel stuck and they don't know what else to do. So they're just gonna say, I'm not, I'm just gonna wait and see what happens. Now you've moved over into the victimhood state of being, and now you're taking away that your own self agency to try to make life better.
And now you're just going to be pushed around your circumstances and the current trajectory of your circumstances is spiraling down negative. So it's not going to be a good end result, you sitting around hoping things will be better.
[00:43:28] Speaker A: Okay, all right, so what are the first steps that a person should take when the person knows they can't let the relationship continue in the same pattern?
[00:43:44] Speaker B: Yeah. First step is to ask your spouse, persuade your spouse to say, look, I'm not happy. I can tell you're not happy. I would like to be a better spouse to you.
And so let's reach out to somebody, let's reach out to a professional to see if they can help us make some better decisions. See if we can do this marriage thing in a better way.
Some people think just because they're smart, just they're intelligent, this is some of the responses they'll get. We Both educated people. We should know how to do this.
Yeah, maybe you should. But, you know, think about it. Really, should you? I mean, nobody taught you how to do this marriage thing.
Your parents don't teach you. And even if they try, consider the source school doesn't teach you because they don't care about you as a whole person. You're just a cog in this economic system. They don't care about you as a whole person.
The church tries to do it, but they do a weak job. I mean, they just talk about Ephesians and a man who finds a good wife and, you know, submission and all this other stuff. So that's. That's not helpful. You need to get some professional help.
There's no reason that you should know how to do this. So that's why you come and get some professional help to help guide you through.
[00:44:56] Speaker A: Okay. And so how often?
Well. Well, when. When. Pete, when couples. You've been doing this a while, what do you see? More couples who come together and both of them are on board with counseling or one of them is there because the other one wants it?
[00:45:17] Speaker B: Yeah, I see both.
The ones who end up being clients are people that both that want it.
If I see one person disengaged to the point that they just there because. Showing up because the other person is there, I don't take them on as clients.
[00:45:32] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:45:34] Speaker B: Because I can't be wanting it more than you do.
[00:45:36] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:45:37] Speaker B: This is a struggle trying to counsel people where both people are not invested in it.
[00:45:42] Speaker A: Okay. All right.
[00:45:44] Speaker B: So, you know, okay, that makes sense.
[00:45:48] Speaker A: So. So what gives you hope that even struggling couples can build something healthier on the other side of crisis?
[00:45:56] Speaker B: What gives me hope is when they say, you know what, Doc? We done tried.
Whatever you say, I'm gonna do it.
When I hear that.
When I hear that, I was like, good, you know, because you all been at this. You're not doing very good, you know, so let me show you how to do this. And when they do what I tell them to do, then it works out. Okay, so it does work.
[00:46:21] Speaker A: Okay. All right. Does it take people a long time to get there?
[00:46:26] Speaker B: Some people. Depends. It depends.
Some people are there.
It's so bad. We tried everything.
Let's do it. You know, others, one person may be more open than the other, but if it's. If the other person is too closed, then I don't take them on. But if they say, okay, you know, I don't know if it's going to happen, but I'm open, I'll try it and things are better.
[00:46:48] Speaker A: Okay. All right. So, Dr. Aaron, for our viewers who want to explore your work further, where should they go?
[00:46:57] Speaker B: You can reach me at my website, drterpo.com that's D R T U R P e a u drterpo.com you can also call me directly at 678-522-6548.
You can also see my YouTube channel at the Turpo Channel.
[00:47:17] Speaker A: Okay. All right. Well, Erin, thank you so much for bringing wisdom, compassion, and practical insight to this conversation.
What I appreciate most about this conversation is that it reminds us that relationships don't usually collapse overnight and healing doesn't happen overnight. With honesty, guidance, and consistent effort, couples can begin creating something healthier than what existed before.
And so, to everyone watching, remember this, asking for help is not weakness. Sometimes it is the very beginning of restoration. Erin, thanks so much for joining us. This has been a great conversation.
[00:48:00] Speaker B: Thank you. I enjoy it. Good job. Good show.
[00:48:02] Speaker A: All right. All right. Thank you for joining us on Guided Legacy, and we look forward to seeing you again soon.
[00:48:10] Speaker B: Bye.
[00:48:11] Speaker A: Bye.
[00:48:16] Speaker B: Sa.
